I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner