My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
You Might Also Like
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot