My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
oh you wanna fight?!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.