Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ