Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You Might Also Like
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
#growingpains
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart