Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Breaking news:
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?