I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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This is what makes twitter great
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.