restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Beware…..
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
relationship goals
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.