Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?