Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear