And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
HERE’S MARKY
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees