April 1st is the class clown of days.
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
S/o to @funTweeters .
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Time heals everything 🙂
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.