My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.