I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Self-cleaning conscience
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Who.
Did.
This?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.