HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life