Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You Might Also Like
KFC hitting the cannibal market
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
All. The. Damn. Time.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.