These 3D printers are insane!
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Hitlers gonna hitl
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?