”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
notice
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.