man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true