[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
who will stop them
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.