Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
got so much cardio in today
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.