mom had nothing to worry about
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since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy