It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Always a metermaid never a meter
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
welcome back
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.