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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
being a writer on Twitter:
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
are they though??
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat