After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
never forget
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.