I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.