No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?