Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.