If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Carpe DM
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”