There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
#dalle2