The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
#Caturday
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
R.I.P.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?