We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.