Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please