[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
You Might Also Like
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Breaking news:
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
umm…
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire