Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.