My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
#DesignFail
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?