[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies