I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers