Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.