Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy