Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Stick it to the man
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?