On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Still my favourite meme.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”