Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.