OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
You Might Also Like
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
this could fix me
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*