Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Best table by far
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.