Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.