Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You Might Also Like
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Cat is stressing him out.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.