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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
ibopfufen
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs