My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?