Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
stand with me against insufficient seating
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Well, shit
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?